Escaping The Collective ‘We’

Falling Back Into Old Patterns

I’ve been distracted—chasing who I’m not instead of who I want to be. It’s so easy to fall back into old patterns, and no matter how disciplined I tell myself I need to be, I’m not immune to it.

The last few weeks have been a mess. I’ve been unhappy with where I’m at, and when I feel like that, I get busy applying to the same practical opportunities that thousands of other average yet intelligent people are chasing. It’s a quick fix—or at least it feels like one—but it never works. You can’t stand out in that crowd. You’re just another number, a cog in the wheel, part of some collective identity, because you couldn’t discipline yourself enough to find your own.

I know that sounds harsh—maybe even mean—but it’s exactly how I feel. Sure, you get a paycheck and a “comfortable” life, but what kind of life is it if you can’t even be yourself?

The Comfort Trap

I don’t want to be average. I’ve dreaded being average my whole life. Never fitting in with the exceptionally brilliant crowd, but knowing deep down that I’m not cut out for the cookie-cutter life either—the job, the family, the house in the suburbs.

I’ve always wanted to go against the grain, to embrace my entrepreneurial side. And it’s more than just a corporate identity with my name stamped on it. I want the creative, messy, authentic, and beautifully chaotic life that leads to something new—something the world hasn’t seen before.

Maybe it’s a book. Maybe it’s a way of thinking. Whatever it is, I want to give something to the world that matters—something that changes how people see the future, or even the present. I want to be a changemaker, someone who works on something bigger than myself. Not dragged into the boring corporate grind full of drama and meaningless arguments about things that won’t matter in five years.

Because the truth is, that world doesn’t want people like me. It’s too busy playing the same tired game—one where everyone fights for power and influence, and no one has enough room to breathe, let alone create.

When Passion Meets a Dead End

I’ve put my heart and soul into work before. I’ve given it everything—my passion, curiosity, ideas—and for what? It doesn’t recognize that kind of effort. It’s comfortable being mediocre, staying in its lane, and keeping things exactly as they are.

I even went as far as using my master’s thesis to try to reshape the organization I was working for at the time. I poured hours into research and strategy, developing ideas to help the company grow and thrive. It wasn’t just about getting a degree—it was about creating something meaningful. But no one cared.

And it wasn’t just there. Over and over, I’ve shown up to interviews with detailed plans for change, innovative ideas for the future, and genuine excitement about what could be. But they didn’t want it. They wanted someone to stay in their lane, to keep the status quo intact.

It made me feel like I didn’t belong. Like I wasn’t good enough.

Crawling Out of the Pit

That rejection did a number on me. It made me question everything—my worth, my ideas, my future. It made me believe that passion, curiosity, and hard work meant nothing.

But maybe it wasn’t about me. Maybe it was about the world I was trying to fit into. A world that’s cold, political, and stuck in its ways.

Even now, I find myself crawling back to it. Thinking, This time will be different. But it never is. It’s the same pasture, just a different farm. The same drama, the same chaos, the same soul-sucking grind.

Choosing My Own Path

I’m done letting that world pull me back. I can’t keep giving it the best parts of myself only to have them crushed or ignored.

I need to make time for me. For the path I’ve always known I should be on—the one where I can write, read, and explore who I really am. Where I can show the world something real and maybe even spark a little change.

It won’t be easy. It’ll take discipline and boundaries. It’ll mean saying no to all the practical, logical distractions that try to drag me back into the mold.

Maybe it’s a midlife crisis. Maybe I just took the wrong path from the start and I’m finally waking up to it. Whatever this is, I know one thing: I’m on a new road now.

And for once, I’m staying on it. No more detours. This time, I’m doing it for me.

The Perfectionist’s Paradox

Chasing Perfection, Losing Myself

I’m always chasing perfection, trying to make everything just right. But this constant drive usually leads me off course. I end up overthinking, second-guessing, or pushing myself to do more because I can never fully trust that what I’ve done is good enough. It feels like my whole life is this exhausting effort to meet other people’s expectations or shape myself into someone I’m not. And honestly, I hate it. I hate that I can’t just be okay with how things are right now.

Stuck in the Future, Missing the Moment

I’m always looking ahead, so much that I miss what’s right in front of me. Like today—this perfect autumn day with the clear blue sky and warm sun. Everything about it is amazing, but I can’t seem to enjoy it. I know I should be soaking it all in, appreciating it, but something inside me keeps pulling me away, making me miss out on what’s happening right here, right now.

The Trap of Perfectionism

It’s kind of a cruel joke, isn’t it? The more I chase perfection, the more I miss out on what’s actually perfect in its own way. It’s like being stuck in a game I can’t win, trying to fix things that I can’t fix no matter how hard I try. In the end, striving for perfection just means I’m bound to fail before I even start.

Explore Your Ember

The Pressure to Choose a Path

We’ve all been told to follow a singular path—to chase our dreams or find our passion. This idea is drilled into us from childhood, through grade school, and into college, where we’re expected to pick one major and stick with it. This kind of pressure can be overwhelming for a child still figuring out who they are, let alone what they want to do for the rest of their lives. It's unrealistic and may even be a contributing factor to our mental health struggles. When our lives become centered around achievements and goals, we often experience unnecessary stress, anxiety, and even depression.

The Beauty of Wandering

I believe in a different approach—multiple paths, or maybe no paths at all. These journeys can meander through dark forests, stay still, or branch off in various directions. They might be paths we’ve walked before but want to revisit with newfound wisdom. They represent the sparks or embers within us that we yearn to rekindle and explore. It’s not about finding that one passion or dream; it’s simply about discovering people, experiences, and things that matter to us.

Life doesn't have to be framed as a singular journey—it can be about living on our own terms, free from societal expectations.

Keeping Our Spirits Alive

At its core, it’s about keeping our embers—our spirits—alive, embracing the essence of who we are. It takes wandering—physically, mentally, or in every way in between—to realize how to nurture that essence. I’m still on that journey, exploring various embers along the way.

The Weight of Expectations

As a kid, I had diverse interests—writing, theater, singing, and academics. But I felt the weight of the pressure to excel in one area. Life seemed focused on success and overcoming failures, leading me to believe that perfection was the only path to achievement. This constant striving for perfection triggered intense anxiety, ultimately leading to an eating disorder. The competition and fear of not measuring up created a toxic mindset, pitting me against everyone, including myself.

The narrative often tells us to refocus our failures and rejections as growth opportunities on our way to our dreams or passions. But what if that’s just a way to control who we are?

Redefining Fulfillment

The prevailing notion suggests that without a purpose or passion, we aren’t whole. It's a myth that tells us fulfillment comes from following a singular path and achieving our goals.

Let me share something: I didn’t chase my dream of becoming a Broadway actress, and I’m grateful for that. Society pushed me to choose a dream before I was ready. Now, with the wisdom that comes from experience, I realize that while I enjoyed acting in high school, it wasn’t my so-called true calling. I wanted to explore everything.

Wandering with Curiosity

Instead of being confined to a single pursuit, I aimed to live life with curiosity, to explore my embers without having to choose just one. I wish I had embraced this earlier; it would have preserved my mental health. I originally shifted my focus to broadcast journalism in college, only to discover it wasn’t a true passion either. I then pivoted again to marketing, which led to further disappointment and a sense of living someone else’s life.

Through these experiences, I became disillusioned with the idea that life must revolve around a singular dream. 

Breaking Free from Myths

Living life isn't about one dream or even multiple dreams; it’s not defined by accomplishments, failures, or rejections. These concepts are just constructs we’ve created to fit into a modern society’s agenda.

We don’t need a predefined path. The true path is forward—embracing life, exploring, learning, and enjoying the journey with those we love. Some may insist there's more to life—talking about purpose or serving others—but that merely supports a defined path.

Embracing Openness

As I’ve reached middle age, I’ve opened myself to whatever life has in store – I’ve started this blog for example and stopped focusing on chasing a meaningless ‘singular’ career as a definition of who I am. That’s because I now know I’m so much more than that. I’ve learned to cherish every moment, free from the need to find meaning or purpose. The meaning is already present, right in front of me. And that sense of freedom? That’s the true essence of living.

The Unexpected Power of Love

Love Without Struggle

One thing I’ve strangely never had to struggle much with is finding love. My parents have always been together, no divorce, no drama. Forty-plus years, and they’ve barely fought. They avoid conflict, which can be a blessing and a curse at times. But overall, growing up in a small Minnesotan town was as good as it gets. I’ve got no complaints.

When it comes to romantic relationships, though, in the past I was always able to find them—just not the right one. Like most people, I went through my share of trial and error. With low self-esteem as a kid, I’d fall in love with the idea of love—someone paying attention to me made me feel worthy, especially when I couldn’t find that worth within myself. I often chose partners for the wrong reasons: physical attraction and validation. I didn’t really think about whether they aligned with my values or who I was at my core. To be fair, I was still figuring that out, and my values were evolving. Looking back, some of the guys I dated I wouldn’t even consider now because I know myself so much better.

Love Finds Its Way

It’s strange how love just falls into place. There’s no plan. It happens when it’s supposed to, and you find that person who makes you feel whole. I found that in Nic—my kindred spirit, my best friend, my confidant. We’re so alike, but different enough to balance each other. He’s everything I ever wanted when it comes to love.

I met Nic when I was in a low place, depressed over another relationship that had ended. I wasn’t even looking for someone. I was just living life. And that’s when it happened. It’s funny how when you let go and stop trying so hard, the right things just fall into place. Meeting Nic was like a dream. There was this instant, mutual attraction that I’d never experienced before. In the past, my relationships felt one-sided—either I wasn’t that into them or I was distracted by school or my career. I’d stay in relationships longer than I should, often out of guilt or because I couldn’t face the truth about my feelings. People-pleasing at its finest.

But with Nic, it was different. We were both there, fully present, and really in love, the way it’s supposed to be.

A Deepening Connection

Over a decade later, we’re still together. The intensity has faded a bit, but what’s replaced it is something deeper—a connection, a bond that’s hard to put into words. We have our own language now, our own little world that only we understand. It’s comforting, finding that person who gets you, who loves and accepts you for everything you are, flaws and all.

It started with attraction, but now it’s a deep love. Nic’s my soulmate. He makes waking up in this sometimes harsh world a little easier. Having him by my side, having that comforting place to go when life gets tough—that’s what makes it all worth it.

What Really Matters

It’s taken me a while to realize this, but life isn’t about the degrees you earn or the career you wish you had. It’s about the people who make it all worth it. And often, these people come into your life by chance. There’s no plan, despite what we’re told. We’re just living in the present, and the relationships we build can push us to be more than we ever thought possible.

In the end, it’s not about what we do. It’s about who we’re with.

Breaking Free from the Shadows

The Weight of Emptiness

I am angry. I feel abandoned. I feel alone. I feel like no one cares. I’ve never had such a burning sensation of worthlessness or been so unsure of how I fit into the grand scheme of things. I just don’t know where I’m supposed to go or what I’m supposed to be. Everything feels gray and uncertain.

Trapped in Stagnation

I hate the uncertainty. I hate not knowing and feeling stuck. I guess that’s it – I just feel stuck, unfilled, and lost in my own thoughts. Why do I always feel this way? Why is there never any clarity? Why can’t I just let myself go and ‘just be’ in the moment?

The Battle with Self

There’s always something holding me back, something preventing me from realizing who I really want to be. I know who that person is. I’ve known the whole time, but I’ve never allowed myself to truly understand what that person wants. I’ve always pushed that part of myself away to meet the needs of others and to be who they want me to be.

The Mirror’s Whisper

In the process, I’ve looked at myself in the mirror and whispered, "I hate myself." It’s almost an unconscious thought that rises to the surface, living in the empty space. It’s as if saying it out loud will justify how I’m feeling. Sometimes I don’t even know I’m saying it. It’s that voice on my shoulder, always reminding me that I’m not good enough, not smart enough, not resilient enough, or extroverted enough to influence anything. I feel forgotten, ignored, or pushed aside.

The Turning Point

But I have to remember that it’s me making that happen. I’m letting people get inside my head and influence how I feel about myself. I have to stop this.

Reclaiming Joy and Purpose

I have to find a way out. I have to learn how to be me – the version of me that brings joy, not the version that lives in this seething self-hate. That person I hate doesn’t actually exist.

Becoming Whole Again

It’s time to let go of others’ expectations and finally become the person I’m meant to be. To find clarity, joy, and peace, I have to rediscover the real me.

Igniting a Journey of Self-Discovery

The Cycle of Self-Criticism

Breaking Free from the Burden of Perfection

Throughout my entire life, I've been relentlessly hard on myself. Breaking this cycle has proven to be an incredibly tough challenge. Whether it’s due to my identity, societal pressures, or a mix of both, I've been conditioned to believe that I must achieve countless things. Falling short often leads to feelings of emptiness, unworthiness, and a lack of purpose. I’ve always aimed to excel, striving for a level of perfection that’s exhausting and unrealistic.

In my relentless pursuit of these goals, I've neglected the present and the simple moments right in front of me. I constantly focus on what's next, consumed by worry about potential imperfections. My mind switches to autopilot, overthinking every task based on past experiences. The burden of frustration, self-doubt, and the need to please others has made me realize that I’ve never truly been living. I've spent too much time ruminating on past mistakes and worrying about others' opinions, missing out on the beauty of life’s everyday moments.

Living in the Moment

Shifting Focus from Future Worries to Present Joys

Starting this blog has been a revelation. It made me recognize the necessity for change, and I want to invite you to join me on this journey. By embracing the present and fully engaging with my senses, I’ve started to find meaning and purpose. I've realized that focusing too much on the past and future had prevented me from truly experiencing life.

The Name Connection

Finding Meaning in ‘Erin Amber’—The Power of Nature and Peace

This journey of self-discovery began when I made a connection between my name—Erin Amber—and the life I aspire to live. The name Erin translates to ‘Ireland’ or ‘green water,’ conjuring images of lush landscapes full of sensory experiences: the smell of trees and grass, the sounds of forests, and the feeling of moving through nature. I've always felt drawn to the tranquility of the woods, where I could lose myself in the world around me and feel deeply connected to my surroundings.

Interestingly, in other cultures, 'Erin' also means 'peace'—a reminder to accept life’s imperfections and find contentment in the present. It’s through our mistakes and the experiences that follow that we grow. Embracing life as it comes, without trying to control or judge it, is a struggle, but there is something liberating in simply being present.

The Essence of Amber

Preserving Life's Energy and Embracing Positive Renewal

My middle name, Amber, adds another layer of meaning. Amber embodies the life force of nature, preserving flora, insects, and small organisms in its warm, golden hues. It’s known as a stone of the sun in many cultures, symbolizing positive energy, healing, protection, and renewal. To me, amber encapsulates a single living moment for eternity, reminding us to embrace the essence of being present.

Embersoul’s Birth

Shedding What Holds Us Back to Ignite Our Inner Light

Despite the inherent significance of my name, I wasn’t living up to it. The constant drive to achieve—whether in academics, my career, or through comparisons with others—controlled my daily actions. This realization led to the birth of Embersoul. I needed to find a way to ignite the creativity and consciousness I craved to genuinely live my life. Like an ember that holds the potential for a flame, my passion for writing and artistry was there, but I struggled to kindle it meaningfully.

A Journey of Unfolding

Uncovering True Identity by Breaking Old Patterns

It wasn’t until I understood that I needed to let go of self-disappointment, doubt, envy, frustration, and anxiety that I could start living the life I desired. By embracing the moment and fully engaging with my senses, I’ve begun to uncover my true identity—one not marred by rules, judgment, or the pressures of society. That’s how Embersoul came to be: a journey of shedding what holds us back, breaking old patterns, and finding the strength to become who we truly aspire to be.

Embracing the ‘Now’

Finding Joy in the Present Moment

This journey is about drawing the most from each moment, not dwelling on the past or obsessing over the future. It’s about embracing 'what is' and finding joy in the present. It’s taken me a long time to arrive here, but now that I’m here, I feel a newfound joy and laughter that I hadn't experienced before.

Join the Path

An Invitation to Walk Together Towards Freedom and Fulfillment

So here I am, inviting you to join me on this journey. I hope to inspire and be inspired as we embark on this path together, discovering freedom and fulfillment in the present moment. Let’s walk this road side by side, finding liberation and contentment in the beauty of the now.