The Perfectionist’s Paradox

Chasing Perfection, Losing Myself

I’m always chasing perfection, trying to make everything just right. But this constant drive usually leads me off course. I end up overthinking, second-guessing, or pushing myself to do more because I can never fully trust that what I’ve done is good enough. It feels like my whole life is this exhausting effort to meet other people’s expectations or shape myself into someone I’m not. And honestly, I hate it. I hate that I can’t just be okay with how things are right now.

Stuck in the Future, Missing the Moment

I’m always looking ahead, so much that I miss what’s right in front of me. Like today—this perfect autumn day with the clear blue sky and warm sun. Everything about it is amazing, but I can’t seem to enjoy it. I know I should be soaking it all in, appreciating it, but something inside me keeps pulling me away, making me miss out on what’s happening right here, right now.

The Trap of Perfectionism

It’s kind of a cruel joke, isn’t it? The more I chase perfection, the more I miss out on what’s actually perfect in its own way. It’s like being stuck in a game I can’t win, trying to fix things that I can’t fix no matter how hard I try. In the end, striving for perfection just means I’m bound to fail before I even start.

A Battle Against the Inner Storm

The Calm Before the Inner Storm

The sky stretches out, a wide, endless blue with not a cloud in sight. It feels like it goes on forever, like you could get lost just staring at it. The air is warm, almost perfectly still, with just a hint of a breeze brushing by. Sunlight spills over everything, making the trees look like they've been dipped in some kind of shiny gloss. Birds are chirping, their high-pitched calls blending into this peaceful little soundtrack, with the occasional sharp squawk from a blue jay breaking through. It’s late September, and the day feels almost too perfect – like something out of a movie.

The Fragility of Serenity

But even as I sit here soaking it all in, my thoughts aren’t cooperating. Inside, there's a storm brewing, like my mind just can't settle. It's weird how, despite the soft curtains swaying in the breeze and the sun filtering through in this picture-perfect way, I can't shake the feeling that this calm won’t last. Any second now, it could be gone—a kid yelling, a bird squawking too loudly, or someone cranking up a leaf blower. It's as if moments like this are always slipping through my fingers.

Cherishing Beauty in a Transient World

So, I try to take it all in. The warmth on my skin, the breeze, the quiet. This world, with all its small wonders and shiny, fleeting beauty, needs to be appreciated while it’s here. It won’t last. The bright greens and warmth will soon give way to the cold, with trees stripped bare and everything turning brown and gray, eventually buried under snow. The wind will cut through, harsh and unforgiving. It’s strange how the same world can shift so quickly. It makes me miss the summer before it’s even fully gone.

Finding Peace Amidst Chaos

I want to hold onto this moment. I’m trying to quiet my mind, to let go of all the noise and just be here, right now. I think I can do it—if I can just keep myself present, keep my eyes open, and not get lost in the storm swirling around inside me.

Explore Your Ember

The Pressure to Choose a Path

We’ve all been told to follow a singular path—to chase our dreams or find our passion. This idea is drilled into us from childhood, through grade school, and into college, where we’re expected to pick one major and stick with it. This kind of pressure can be overwhelming for a child still figuring out who they are, let alone what they want to do for the rest of their lives. It's unrealistic and may even be a contributing factor to our mental health struggles. When our lives become centered around achievements and goals, we often experience unnecessary stress, anxiety, and even depression.

The Beauty of Wandering

I believe in a different approach—multiple paths, or maybe no paths at all. These journeys can meander through dark forests, stay still, or branch off in various directions. They might be paths we’ve walked before but want to revisit with newfound wisdom. They represent the sparks or embers within us that we yearn to rekindle and explore. It’s not about finding that one passion or dream; it’s simply about discovering people, experiences, and things that matter to us.

Life doesn't have to be framed as a singular journey—it can be about living on our own terms, free from societal expectations.

Keeping Our Spirits Alive

At its core, it’s about keeping our embers—our spirits—alive, embracing the essence of who we are. It takes wandering—physically, mentally, or in every way in between—to realize how to nurture that essence. I’m still on that journey, exploring various embers along the way.

The Weight of Expectations

As a kid, I had diverse interests—writing, theater, singing, and academics. But I felt the weight of the pressure to excel in one area. Life seemed focused on success and overcoming failures, leading me to believe that perfection was the only path to achievement. This constant striving for perfection triggered intense anxiety, ultimately leading to an eating disorder. The competition and fear of not measuring up created a toxic mindset, pitting me against everyone, including myself.

The narrative often tells us to refocus our failures and rejections as growth opportunities on our way to our dreams or passions. But what if that’s just a way to control who we are?

Redefining Fulfillment

The prevailing notion suggests that without a purpose or passion, we aren’t whole. It's a myth that tells us fulfillment comes from following a singular path and achieving our goals.

Let me share something: I didn’t chase my dream of becoming a Broadway actress, and I’m grateful for that. Society pushed me to choose a dream before I was ready. Now, with the wisdom that comes from experience, I realize that while I enjoyed acting in high school, it wasn’t my so-called true calling. I wanted to explore everything.

Wandering with Curiosity

Instead of being confined to a single pursuit, I aimed to live life with curiosity, to explore my embers without having to choose just one. I wish I had embraced this earlier; it would have preserved my mental health. I originally shifted my focus to broadcast journalism in college, only to discover it wasn’t a true passion either. I then pivoted again to marketing, which led to further disappointment and a sense of living someone else’s life.

Through these experiences, I became disillusioned with the idea that life must revolve around a singular dream. 

Breaking Free from Myths

Living life isn't about one dream or even multiple dreams; it’s not defined by accomplishments, failures, or rejections. These concepts are just constructs we’ve created to fit into a modern society’s agenda.

We don’t need a predefined path. The true path is forward—embracing life, exploring, learning, and enjoying the journey with those we love. Some may insist there's more to life—talking about purpose or serving others—but that merely supports a defined path.

Embracing Openness

As I’ve reached middle age, I’ve opened myself to whatever life has in store – I’ve started this blog for example and stopped focusing on chasing a meaningless ‘singular’ career as a definition of who I am. That’s because I now know I’m so much more than that. I’ve learned to cherish every moment, free from the need to find meaning or purpose. The meaning is already present, right in front of me. And that sense of freedom? That’s the true essence of living.

Breathing Easier in the Crisp Air

The crisp air is both inviting and refreshing—I can breathe easier, feel more, without that suffocating heaviness. I welcome these fall days, even knowing the bitter cold is on its way. There's something about the clarity in the air, a coolness that cuts right through to my core. The thick, humid air that came before clung to the skin, wrapping around it like a damp blanket, clouding the mind and dragging your focus elsewhere. But this shift, this cool change, is a relief. It lets me breathe, lets me just be here, in this moment.

The Weight of Change: A New Season, A New Chapter
Being present, though, isn’t as simple as it sounds. I feel unsteady, unmoored in this new chapter where so much depends on me—both in my career and my personal life. I’m not quite sure where I’m steering this yet. Part of me wants to look ahead, but anxiety swirls, much like the humid air did, clouding my thoughts.

Navigating Uncertainty: Career and Life at a Crossroads
I wake up at night, my head pounding, replaying moments from the past few weeks, wondering if I made the right calls. I question how others perceive me, how they'll respond. I’m stuck in this cycle of second-guessing, unable to let go of what I can't change. But I know I have to. I have to release the weight of other people's opinions and focus on my own voice. I need to speak my truth, fearlessly.

Letting Go of the Past: Finding My Voice
Change is here, deep in my bones. I feel the cool breeze wrap around me as leaves float and fall through the air. A small yellow leaf lands on my keyboard—golden and fingernail-sized, its corner missing, torn away by the wind or perhaps brittle from time. It feels like a sign. A reminder to surrender to this change, imperfections and all. To let things unfold as they will.

A Sign in the Leaves: Embracing Imperfection
The suffocating weight has lifted. I can finally breathe again, fully, with all my senses—and that's something I won't let go of.

Igniting a Journey of Self-Discovery

The Cycle of Self-Criticism

Breaking Free from the Burden of Perfection

Throughout my entire life, I've been relentlessly hard on myself. Breaking this cycle has proven to be an incredibly tough challenge. Whether it’s due to my identity, societal pressures, or a mix of both, I've been conditioned to believe that I must achieve countless things. Falling short often leads to feelings of emptiness, unworthiness, and a lack of purpose. I’ve always aimed to excel, striving for a level of perfection that’s exhausting and unrealistic.

In my relentless pursuit of these goals, I've neglected the present and the simple moments right in front of me. I constantly focus on what's next, consumed by worry about potential imperfections. My mind switches to autopilot, overthinking every task based on past experiences. The burden of frustration, self-doubt, and the need to please others has made me realize that I’ve never truly been living. I've spent too much time ruminating on past mistakes and worrying about others' opinions, missing out on the beauty of life’s everyday moments.

Living in the Moment

Shifting Focus from Future Worries to Present Joys

Starting this blog has been a revelation. It made me recognize the necessity for change, and I want to invite you to join me on this journey. By embracing the present and fully engaging with my senses, I’ve started to find meaning and purpose. I've realized that focusing too much on the past and future had prevented me from truly experiencing life.

The Name Connection

Finding Meaning in ‘Erin Amber’—The Power of Nature and Peace

This journey of self-discovery began when I made a connection between my name—Erin Amber—and the life I aspire to live. The name Erin translates to ‘Ireland’ or ‘green water,’ conjuring images of lush landscapes full of sensory experiences: the smell of trees and grass, the sounds of forests, and the feeling of moving through nature. I've always felt drawn to the tranquility of the woods, where I could lose myself in the world around me and feel deeply connected to my surroundings.

Interestingly, in other cultures, 'Erin' also means 'peace'—a reminder to accept life’s imperfections and find contentment in the present. It’s through our mistakes and the experiences that follow that we grow. Embracing life as it comes, without trying to control or judge it, is a struggle, but there is something liberating in simply being present.

The Essence of Amber

Preserving Life's Energy and Embracing Positive Renewal

My middle name, Amber, adds another layer of meaning. Amber embodies the life force of nature, preserving flora, insects, and small organisms in its warm, golden hues. It’s known as a stone of the sun in many cultures, symbolizing positive energy, healing, protection, and renewal. To me, amber encapsulates a single living moment for eternity, reminding us to embrace the essence of being present.

Embersoul’s Birth

Shedding What Holds Us Back to Ignite Our Inner Light

Despite the inherent significance of my name, I wasn’t living up to it. The constant drive to achieve—whether in academics, my career, or through comparisons with others—controlled my daily actions. This realization led to the birth of Embersoul. I needed to find a way to ignite the creativity and consciousness I craved to genuinely live my life. Like an ember that holds the potential for a flame, my passion for writing and artistry was there, but I struggled to kindle it meaningfully.

A Journey of Unfolding

Uncovering True Identity by Breaking Old Patterns

It wasn’t until I understood that I needed to let go of self-disappointment, doubt, envy, frustration, and anxiety that I could start living the life I desired. By embracing the moment and fully engaging with my senses, I’ve begun to uncover my true identity—one not marred by rules, judgment, or the pressures of society. That’s how Embersoul came to be: a journey of shedding what holds us back, breaking old patterns, and finding the strength to become who we truly aspire to be.

Embracing the ‘Now’

Finding Joy in the Present Moment

This journey is about drawing the most from each moment, not dwelling on the past or obsessing over the future. It’s about embracing 'what is' and finding joy in the present. It’s taken me a long time to arrive here, but now that I’m here, I feel a newfound joy and laughter that I hadn't experienced before.

Join the Path

An Invitation to Walk Together Towards Freedom and Fulfillment

So here I am, inviting you to join me on this journey. I hope to inspire and be inspired as we embark on this path together, discovering freedom and fulfillment in the present moment. Let’s walk this road side by side, finding liberation and contentment in the beauty of the now.