The Perfectionist’s Paradox

Chasing Perfection, Losing Myself

I’m always chasing perfection, trying to make everything just right. But this constant drive usually leads me off course. I end up overthinking, second-guessing, or pushing myself to do more because I can never fully trust that what I’ve done is good enough. It feels like my whole life is this exhausting effort to meet other people’s expectations or shape myself into someone I’m not. And honestly, I hate it. I hate that I can’t just be okay with how things are right now.

Stuck in the Future, Missing the Moment

I’m always looking ahead, so much that I miss what’s right in front of me. Like today—this perfect autumn day with the clear blue sky and warm sun. Everything about it is amazing, but I can’t seem to enjoy it. I know I should be soaking it all in, appreciating it, but something inside me keeps pulling me away, making me miss out on what’s happening right here, right now.

The Trap of Perfectionism

It’s kind of a cruel joke, isn’t it? The more I chase perfection, the more I miss out on what’s actually perfect in its own way. It’s like being stuck in a game I can’t win, trying to fix things that I can’t fix no matter how hard I try. In the end, striving for perfection just means I’m bound to fail before I even start.

A Battle Against the Inner Storm

The Calm Before the Inner Storm

The sky stretches out, a wide, endless blue with not a cloud in sight. It feels like it goes on forever, like you could get lost just staring at it. The air is warm, almost perfectly still, with just a hint of a breeze brushing by. Sunlight spills over everything, making the trees look like they've been dipped in some kind of shiny gloss. Birds are chirping, their high-pitched calls blending into this peaceful little soundtrack, with the occasional sharp squawk from a blue jay breaking through. It’s late September, and the day feels almost too perfect – like something out of a movie.

The Fragility of Serenity

But even as I sit here soaking it all in, my thoughts aren’t cooperating. Inside, there's a storm brewing, like my mind just can't settle. It's weird how, despite the soft curtains swaying in the breeze and the sun filtering through in this picture-perfect way, I can't shake the feeling that this calm won’t last. Any second now, it could be gone—a kid yelling, a bird squawking too loudly, or someone cranking up a leaf blower. It's as if moments like this are always slipping through my fingers.

Cherishing Beauty in a Transient World

So, I try to take it all in. The warmth on my skin, the breeze, the quiet. This world, with all its small wonders and shiny, fleeting beauty, needs to be appreciated while it’s here. It won’t last. The bright greens and warmth will soon give way to the cold, with trees stripped bare and everything turning brown and gray, eventually buried under snow. The wind will cut through, harsh and unforgiving. It’s strange how the same world can shift so quickly. It makes me miss the summer before it’s even fully gone.

Finding Peace Amidst Chaos

I want to hold onto this moment. I’m trying to quiet my mind, to let go of all the noise and just be here, right now. I think I can do it—if I can just keep myself present, keep my eyes open, and not get lost in the storm swirling around inside me.

Embracing Life's Imperfections

The Complexity of Being Human

Life is about the human experience—complex, messy, and full of emotions that we struggle to understand and accept. At the same time, we have these incredible brains that help us learn, grow, and evolve. Out of all creatures on Earth, we alone have the ability to feel so deeply while thinking critically—our greatest strength and, sometimes, our greatest weakness.

We feel everything so intensely that sadness can spiral into depression, and joy can seem all too fleeting. Grief, anger, fear, guilt, and regret can hold us back, but they also give us a way to dive deeper into the fullness of this experience. It’s no wonder so many of us seek an escape, numbing ourselves to avoid feeling so much. But in doing so, we miss the chance to really understand why we’re feeling this way in the first place.

It hurts. It’s painful to face. But we have to learn how to deal with these feelings without letting them numb us. Because once we do, we open the door to a world of hope. On the other side of pain, we find excitement, enthusiasm, love, and joy—and we’re able to appreciate those feelings even more because we know what it’s like to experience everything else.

Life is What We Make of It

That’s what life is really about—navigating the experience, using our minds to reflect, and pushing ourselves beyond our comfort zones. There’s not much more to the human experience than that—it’s what we make of it.

Some will say you need to find your purpose or passion. Others will claim life is about travel or self-discovery. But these ideas often come with a hidden agenda that’s not really about you. Sure, having a purpose can give some people direction, but what if you never find it? Centuries ago, no one talked about finding their ‘purpose’—this idea is a modern construct designed to lead people down a certain path.

What if I just want to explore different interests without labeling them as ‘passions’ or ‘purposes’? What if I just want to live my life, learning something new about myself every day? Everyone’s searching for some elusive meaning, but maybe the meaning is simply in living—in exploring this amazing world as we wish, and being grateful we get to do it with the people we care about.

Freedom from Expectations

Can life just be about that? The constant search for meaning or purpose can drive some to despair—depression, even worse. The truth is, purpose doesn’t exist universally for everyone, and that’s okay. Each person’s human experience is different, shaped by emotions, thought processes, and those messy gray areas.

Instead of getting lost in our emotions or what society tells us we should feel, let’s embrace what life offers right here and now. Everything we need is in front of us. Let’s make the most of each day because being alive is an incredible gift. Don’t get caught up in society’s expectations—just live your life the way you want.

The Calm Before The Change

The lake stretches endlessly toward the horizon, glittering under the hazy sun that casts a glossy glow across its surface.

Endless Horizons, Endless Change
As we approach, the wind grows stronger, whipping around us, and the frothy, white-capped waves crash onto the shore. The force of the waves is deceiving, making it feel like we’re standing at the ocean. It’s unseasonably warm, and the swirling wind hints at an approaching change. Not a cloud in the sky, the sun’s rays stretch across the blue expanse. It’s mesmerizing. I snap a photo, wanting to remember this moment.

A Deceptive Calm
The sun’s intensity creates a glassy sheen on the water’s surface—a strange irony, making it look frozen, though it’s wild and alive. Looking back at the photo, it feels deceptive. It captures a peaceful, sun-soaked day, yet there’s a fury building, ready to stir and change everything around us.

The Duality of Nature: Beauty and Fury
The contrast between beauty and anger leaves me unsettled, wondering what’s coming next.

Breathing Easier in the Crisp Air

The crisp air is both inviting and refreshing—I can breathe easier, feel more, without that suffocating heaviness. I welcome these fall days, even knowing the bitter cold is on its way. There's something about the clarity in the air, a coolness that cuts right through to my core. The thick, humid air that came before clung to the skin, wrapping around it like a damp blanket, clouding the mind and dragging your focus elsewhere. But this shift, this cool change, is a relief. It lets me breathe, lets me just be here, in this moment.

The Weight of Change: A New Season, A New Chapter
Being present, though, isn’t as simple as it sounds. I feel unsteady, unmoored in this new chapter where so much depends on me—both in my career and my personal life. I’m not quite sure where I’m steering this yet. Part of me wants to look ahead, but anxiety swirls, much like the humid air did, clouding my thoughts.

Navigating Uncertainty: Career and Life at a Crossroads
I wake up at night, my head pounding, replaying moments from the past few weeks, wondering if I made the right calls. I question how others perceive me, how they'll respond. I’m stuck in this cycle of second-guessing, unable to let go of what I can't change. But I know I have to. I have to release the weight of other people's opinions and focus on my own voice. I need to speak my truth, fearlessly.

Letting Go of the Past: Finding My Voice
Change is here, deep in my bones. I feel the cool breeze wrap around me as leaves float and fall through the air. A small yellow leaf lands on my keyboard—golden and fingernail-sized, its corner missing, torn away by the wind or perhaps brittle from time. It feels like a sign. A reminder to surrender to this change, imperfections and all. To let things unfold as they will.

A Sign in the Leaves: Embracing Imperfection
The suffocating weight has lifted. I can finally breathe again, fully, with all my senses—and that's something I won't let go of.

Morning Symphony: A Dance of Sound and Silence

The Chorus Begins: Nature's Melody and the Blue Jay's Call

A bird chirps softly in the nearby tree, its delicate song almost lost in the raucous cackle of a squawking blue jay perched above. The humming of crickets drifts in and out, never holding the same rhythm for long. There's a kind of comfort in the unpredictability of it, a reminder that not everything needs to make sense to be beautiful. Piercing through the noise, a quieter, higher-pitched chirp manages to reach me. Over and over, a crow caws in the distance, but still, those endearing little chirps linger. I smile, imagining a bird stubbornly refusing to be drowned out.

Urban Interference: The Battle Between Nature and Noise

And then, the inevitable – the freeway hum. It creeps in, louder and louder, intruding on this tiny moment of peace. How often do we miss these moments because we’re so used to the noise? Yet somehow, the birds keep chirping, maybe in conversation with each other. Are they just as aware of us as we are of them? A light breeze stirs the porch curtains, cool but damp, like the air before a storm. The chirps seem closer now, surrounding me as the breeze picks up, rattling the leaves overhead. I close my eyes for a second and just breathe it in.

Winds of Change: Gathering Clouds and Nature’s Response

Dark, patchy clouds begin to gather, casting shadows that stretch across the yard. They move slowly, almost imperceptibly, like they have all the time in the world—because they do. We’re the ones always rushing. The birds don’t care. Their repetitive, sweet chirps rise and fall, providing a soundtrack to the shifting sky. The first drop of rain hits my hand, and I find myself hoping the storm lasts longer than it probably will.

The Rhythm of the Morning: Light Breaking Through

The trees sway gently as the clouds begin to part. Just beyond the break, a flash of pink and orange peeks out, the sun stretching after a long night. But as quickly as I see it, it’s gone, swallowed up by the trees. The birds are quieter now, their distant songs mingling with the faint sound of a creature I can’t see. There’s something comforting about it—the way the world keeps going, even when we’re not watching.

Fading Notes: The Scents and Sounds of Dawn

The air smells damp, a mix of wet grass and leaves. That familiar, squeaky bird call rises again, cutting through the hum of crickets and distant freeway noise. The sky lightens, not in some grand, dramatic shift but slowly, almost like it’s giving us time to catch up. I wonder how many mornings I’ve missed like this, too distracted by my to-do list or my phone.

A New Day’s Whisper: The Awakening Breeze and Arrival of Light

The breeze that follows is gentle but brisk, rustling the trees and sending a shiver down my arms. I wrap my sweater tighter and let the coolness settle on my skin. There’s something pure about mornings like this—before the world fully wakes up, before we start filling the day with all our noise. I hold on to this moment a little longer, knowing how quickly it will pass.

Igniting a Journey of Self-Discovery

The Cycle of Self-Criticism

Breaking Free from the Burden of Perfection

Throughout my entire life, I've been relentlessly hard on myself. Breaking this cycle has proven to be an incredibly tough challenge. Whether it’s due to my identity, societal pressures, or a mix of both, I've been conditioned to believe that I must achieve countless things. Falling short often leads to feelings of emptiness, unworthiness, and a lack of purpose. I’ve always aimed to excel, striving for a level of perfection that’s exhausting and unrealistic.

In my relentless pursuit of these goals, I've neglected the present and the simple moments right in front of me. I constantly focus on what's next, consumed by worry about potential imperfections. My mind switches to autopilot, overthinking every task based on past experiences. The burden of frustration, self-doubt, and the need to please others has made me realize that I’ve never truly been living. I've spent too much time ruminating on past mistakes and worrying about others' opinions, missing out on the beauty of life’s everyday moments.

Living in the Moment

Shifting Focus from Future Worries to Present Joys

Starting this blog has been a revelation. It made me recognize the necessity for change, and I want to invite you to join me on this journey. By embracing the present and fully engaging with my senses, I’ve started to find meaning and purpose. I've realized that focusing too much on the past and future had prevented me from truly experiencing life.

The Name Connection

Finding Meaning in ‘Erin Amber’—The Power of Nature and Peace

This journey of self-discovery began when I made a connection between my name—Erin Amber—and the life I aspire to live. The name Erin translates to ‘Ireland’ or ‘green water,’ conjuring images of lush landscapes full of sensory experiences: the smell of trees and grass, the sounds of forests, and the feeling of moving through nature. I've always felt drawn to the tranquility of the woods, where I could lose myself in the world around me and feel deeply connected to my surroundings.

Interestingly, in other cultures, 'Erin' also means 'peace'—a reminder to accept life’s imperfections and find contentment in the present. It’s through our mistakes and the experiences that follow that we grow. Embracing life as it comes, without trying to control or judge it, is a struggle, but there is something liberating in simply being present.

The Essence of Amber

Preserving Life's Energy and Embracing Positive Renewal

My middle name, Amber, adds another layer of meaning. Amber embodies the life force of nature, preserving flora, insects, and small organisms in its warm, golden hues. It’s known as a stone of the sun in many cultures, symbolizing positive energy, healing, protection, and renewal. To me, amber encapsulates a single living moment for eternity, reminding us to embrace the essence of being present.

Embersoul’s Birth

Shedding What Holds Us Back to Ignite Our Inner Light

Despite the inherent significance of my name, I wasn’t living up to it. The constant drive to achieve—whether in academics, my career, or through comparisons with others—controlled my daily actions. This realization led to the birth of Embersoul. I needed to find a way to ignite the creativity and consciousness I craved to genuinely live my life. Like an ember that holds the potential for a flame, my passion for writing and artistry was there, but I struggled to kindle it meaningfully.

A Journey of Unfolding

Uncovering True Identity by Breaking Old Patterns

It wasn’t until I understood that I needed to let go of self-disappointment, doubt, envy, frustration, and anxiety that I could start living the life I desired. By embracing the moment and fully engaging with my senses, I’ve begun to uncover my true identity—one not marred by rules, judgment, or the pressures of society. That’s how Embersoul came to be: a journey of shedding what holds us back, breaking old patterns, and finding the strength to become who we truly aspire to be.

Embracing the ‘Now’

Finding Joy in the Present Moment

This journey is about drawing the most from each moment, not dwelling on the past or obsessing over the future. It’s about embracing 'what is' and finding joy in the present. It’s taken me a long time to arrive here, but now that I’m here, I feel a newfound joy and laughter that I hadn't experienced before.

Join the Path

An Invitation to Walk Together Towards Freedom and Fulfillment

So here I am, inviting you to join me on this journey. I hope to inspire and be inspired as we embark on this path together, discovering freedom and fulfillment in the present moment. Let’s walk this road side by side, finding liberation and contentment in the beauty of the now.