The Perfectionist’s Paradox

Chasing Perfection, Losing Myself

I’m always chasing perfection, trying to make everything just right. But this constant drive usually leads me off course. I end up overthinking, second-guessing, or pushing myself to do more because I can never fully trust that what I’ve done is good enough. It feels like my whole life is this exhausting effort to meet other people’s expectations or shape myself into someone I’m not. And honestly, I hate it. I hate that I can’t just be okay with how things are right now.

Stuck in the Future, Missing the Moment

I’m always looking ahead, so much that I miss what’s right in front of me. Like today—this perfect autumn day with the clear blue sky and warm sun. Everything about it is amazing, but I can’t seem to enjoy it. I know I should be soaking it all in, appreciating it, but something inside me keeps pulling me away, making me miss out on what’s happening right here, right now.

The Trap of Perfectionism

It’s kind of a cruel joke, isn’t it? The more I chase perfection, the more I miss out on what’s actually perfect in its own way. It’s like being stuck in a game I can’t win, trying to fix things that I can’t fix no matter how hard I try. In the end, striving for perfection just means I’m bound to fail before I even start.

Breaking Free from the Shadows

The Weight of Emptiness

I am angry. I feel abandoned. I feel alone. I feel like no one cares. I’ve never had such a burning sensation of worthlessness or been so unsure of how I fit into the grand scheme of things. I just don’t know where I’m supposed to go or what I’m supposed to be. Everything feels gray and uncertain.

Trapped in Stagnation

I hate the uncertainty. I hate not knowing and feeling stuck. I guess that’s it – I just feel stuck, unfilled, and lost in my own thoughts. Why do I always feel this way? Why is there never any clarity? Why can’t I just let myself go and ‘just be’ in the moment?

The Battle with Self

There’s always something holding me back, something preventing me from realizing who I really want to be. I know who that person is. I’ve known the whole time, but I’ve never allowed myself to truly understand what that person wants. I’ve always pushed that part of myself away to meet the needs of others and to be who they want me to be.

The Mirror’s Whisper

In the process, I’ve looked at myself in the mirror and whispered, "I hate myself." It’s almost an unconscious thought that rises to the surface, living in the empty space. It’s as if saying it out loud will justify how I’m feeling. Sometimes I don’t even know I’m saying it. It’s that voice on my shoulder, always reminding me that I’m not good enough, not smart enough, not resilient enough, or extroverted enough to influence anything. I feel forgotten, ignored, or pushed aside.

The Turning Point

But I have to remember that it’s me making that happen. I’m letting people get inside my head and influence how I feel about myself. I have to stop this.

Reclaiming Joy and Purpose

I have to find a way out. I have to learn how to be me – the version of me that brings joy, not the version that lives in this seething self-hate. That person I hate doesn’t actually exist.

Becoming Whole Again

It’s time to let go of others’ expectations and finally become the person I’m meant to be. To find clarity, joy, and peace, I have to rediscover the real me.

Igniting a Journey of Self-Discovery

The Cycle of Self-Criticism

Breaking Free from the Burden of Perfection

Throughout my entire life, I've been relentlessly hard on myself. Breaking this cycle has proven to be an incredibly tough challenge. Whether it’s due to my identity, societal pressures, or a mix of both, I've been conditioned to believe that I must achieve countless things. Falling short often leads to feelings of emptiness, unworthiness, and a lack of purpose. I’ve always aimed to excel, striving for a level of perfection that’s exhausting and unrealistic.

In my relentless pursuit of these goals, I've neglected the present and the simple moments right in front of me. I constantly focus on what's next, consumed by worry about potential imperfections. My mind switches to autopilot, overthinking every task based on past experiences. The burden of frustration, self-doubt, and the need to please others has made me realize that I’ve never truly been living. I've spent too much time ruminating on past mistakes and worrying about others' opinions, missing out on the beauty of life’s everyday moments.

Living in the Moment

Shifting Focus from Future Worries to Present Joys

Starting this blog has been a revelation. It made me recognize the necessity for change, and I want to invite you to join me on this journey. By embracing the present and fully engaging with my senses, I’ve started to find meaning and purpose. I've realized that focusing too much on the past and future had prevented me from truly experiencing life.

The Name Connection

Finding Meaning in ‘Erin Amber’—The Power of Nature and Peace

This journey of self-discovery began when I made a connection between my name—Erin Amber—and the life I aspire to live. The name Erin translates to ‘Ireland’ or ‘green water,’ conjuring images of lush landscapes full of sensory experiences: the smell of trees and grass, the sounds of forests, and the feeling of moving through nature. I've always felt drawn to the tranquility of the woods, where I could lose myself in the world around me and feel deeply connected to my surroundings.

Interestingly, in other cultures, 'Erin' also means 'peace'—a reminder to accept life’s imperfections and find contentment in the present. It’s through our mistakes and the experiences that follow that we grow. Embracing life as it comes, without trying to control or judge it, is a struggle, but there is something liberating in simply being present.

The Essence of Amber

Preserving Life's Energy and Embracing Positive Renewal

My middle name, Amber, adds another layer of meaning. Amber embodies the life force of nature, preserving flora, insects, and small organisms in its warm, golden hues. It’s known as a stone of the sun in many cultures, symbolizing positive energy, healing, protection, and renewal. To me, amber encapsulates a single living moment for eternity, reminding us to embrace the essence of being present.

Embersoul’s Birth

Shedding What Holds Us Back to Ignite Our Inner Light

Despite the inherent significance of my name, I wasn’t living up to it. The constant drive to achieve—whether in academics, my career, or through comparisons with others—controlled my daily actions. This realization led to the birth of Embersoul. I needed to find a way to ignite the creativity and consciousness I craved to genuinely live my life. Like an ember that holds the potential for a flame, my passion for writing and artistry was there, but I struggled to kindle it meaningfully.

A Journey of Unfolding

Uncovering True Identity by Breaking Old Patterns

It wasn’t until I understood that I needed to let go of self-disappointment, doubt, envy, frustration, and anxiety that I could start living the life I desired. By embracing the moment and fully engaging with my senses, I’ve begun to uncover my true identity—one not marred by rules, judgment, or the pressures of society. That’s how Embersoul came to be: a journey of shedding what holds us back, breaking old patterns, and finding the strength to become who we truly aspire to be.

Embracing the ‘Now’

Finding Joy in the Present Moment

This journey is about drawing the most from each moment, not dwelling on the past or obsessing over the future. It’s about embracing 'what is' and finding joy in the present. It’s taken me a long time to arrive here, but now that I’m here, I feel a newfound joy and laughter that I hadn't experienced before.

Join the Path

An Invitation to Walk Together Towards Freedom and Fulfillment

So here I am, inviting you to join me on this journey. I hope to inspire and be inspired as we embark on this path together, discovering freedom and fulfillment in the present moment. Let’s walk this road side by side, finding liberation and contentment in the beauty of the now.