Escaping The Collective ‘We’

Falling Back Into Old Patterns

I’ve been distracted—chasing who I’m not instead of who I want to be. It’s so easy to fall back into old patterns, and no matter how disciplined I tell myself I need to be, I’m not immune to it.

The last few weeks have been a mess. I’ve been unhappy with where I’m at, and when I feel like that, I get busy applying to the same practical opportunities that thousands of other average yet intelligent people are chasing. It’s a quick fix—or at least it feels like one—but it never works. You can’t stand out in that crowd. You’re just another number, a cog in the wheel, part of some collective identity, because you couldn’t discipline yourself enough to find your own.

I know that sounds harsh—maybe even mean—but it’s exactly how I feel. Sure, you get a paycheck and a “comfortable” life, but what kind of life is it if you can’t even be yourself?

The Comfort Trap

I don’t want to be average. I’ve dreaded being average my whole life. Never fitting in with the exceptionally brilliant crowd, but knowing deep down that I’m not cut out for the cookie-cutter life either—the job, the family, the house in the suburbs.

I’ve always wanted to go against the grain, to embrace my entrepreneurial side. And it’s more than just a corporate identity with my name stamped on it. I want the creative, messy, authentic, and beautifully chaotic life that leads to something new—something the world hasn’t seen before.

Maybe it’s a book. Maybe it’s a way of thinking. Whatever it is, I want to give something to the world that matters—something that changes how people see the future, or even the present. I want to be a changemaker, someone who works on something bigger than myself. Not dragged into the boring corporate grind full of drama and meaningless arguments about things that won’t matter in five years.

Because the truth is, that world doesn’t want people like me. It’s too busy playing the same tired game—one where everyone fights for power and influence, and no one has enough room to breathe, let alone create.

When Passion Meets a Dead End

I’ve put my heart and soul into work before. I’ve given it everything—my passion, curiosity, ideas—and for what? It doesn’t recognize that kind of effort. It’s comfortable being mediocre, staying in its lane, and keeping things exactly as they are.

I even went as far as using my master’s thesis to try to reshape the organization I was working for at the time. I poured hours into research and strategy, developing ideas to help the company grow and thrive. It wasn’t just about getting a degree—it was about creating something meaningful. But no one cared.

And it wasn’t just there. Over and over, I’ve shown up to interviews with detailed plans for change, innovative ideas for the future, and genuine excitement about what could be. But they didn’t want it. They wanted someone to stay in their lane, to keep the status quo intact.

It made me feel like I didn’t belong. Like I wasn’t good enough.

Crawling Out of the Pit

That rejection did a number on me. It made me question everything—my worth, my ideas, my future. It made me believe that passion, curiosity, and hard work meant nothing.

But maybe it wasn’t about me. Maybe it was about the world I was trying to fit into. A world that’s cold, political, and stuck in its ways.

Even now, I find myself crawling back to it. Thinking, This time will be different. But it never is. It’s the same pasture, just a different farm. The same drama, the same chaos, the same soul-sucking grind.

Choosing My Own Path

I’m done letting that world pull me back. I can’t keep giving it the best parts of myself only to have them crushed or ignored.

I need to make time for me. For the path I’ve always known I should be on—the one where I can write, read, and explore who I really am. Where I can show the world something real and maybe even spark a little change.

It won’t be easy. It’ll take discipline and boundaries. It’ll mean saying no to all the practical, logical distractions that try to drag me back into the mold.

Maybe it’s a midlife crisis. Maybe I just took the wrong path from the start and I’m finally waking up to it. Whatever this is, I know one thing: I’m on a new road now.

And for once, I’m staying on it. No more detours. This time, I’m doing it for me.

Finding My Way: From Fearless Beginnings to Hard-Earned Confidence

Looking Back: The Start of My Career

It’s funny when I think about it now—I started my career at a level people work years to reach. At 25, I somehow landed the role of Communications Director at a tiny start-up. Even now, I’m still not sure how I got there. My résumé had a few internships, but nothing that really screamed "qualified." I hadn’t written a marketing plan, built a website, or created a media strategy. Most of the stuff I’d done was just surface-level, the kind of tasks you get during an internship. I’d never done any of it on my own either, and I had zero experience in the wind energy industry. Still, the CEO believed in me.

Learning on the Fly

I remember sitting in that conference room, just the CEO and me, hammering out the company’s marketing strategy. It was surreal. For a 25-year-old, it was beyond exciting—empowering, even.

Looking back, I wonder: Was I scared? Did the weight of it all hit me, or was I just riding the high of finally getting a job after so much rejection? Strangely, I don’t remember being afraid. What I do remember is feeling alive, energized. The start-up grew as I did, expanding from a four-person team to over 20 employees. Before long, I was managing a small team—two interns and another communications person.

Gaining Confidence in the Chaos

We achieved some pretty cool things. We launched several websites—one for the company and others for the wind farms—put out press releases, got media coverage, and created a bunch of newsletters, blogs, and marketing materials. For a young marketing professional, it was a dream, and I jumped right in, giving it my all.

So why, nearly two decades later, am I hesitating to take on a management role again? It's been almost 20 years since I last held a similar position. What changed? Well, I did—and so did my experiences.

The Doubts Set In

With time comes experience, but also what some might call baggage. Back then, I didn’t know anything about office politics or navigating relationships at work. Sure, I’d dealt with rejection, but not in a professional setting. I quickly learned. My need to please and be perfect slowly started chipping away at my confidence.

It all started at that first job. One day, my boss bluntly told me he didn’t understand why I had pursued a communications degree because, in his opinion, I wasn’t a good communicator. I was crushed. I remember crying in the office bathroom that day. He intimidated me—he had high standards, and I was desperate to meet them. Over time, he started favoring someone else on our team, a brilliant young woman who was on her way to a legal career. Suddenly, it wasn’t just the two of us building the company anymore. The office filled with new faces, and the excitement I’d once felt began to fade, replaced by doubt.

A Pattern Emerges

That was just the beginning. When I left the company during the recession, the doubts came with me. It shaped how I approached every job after that. I took on smaller roles, never quite reaching that managerial level again. About eight or nine years later, I applied for another management position and was turned down—they didn’t think I was ready. Later, when I joined a new company and the manager left, I was passed over again. No one got promoted; we just took on the extra work without the title or recognition.

Facing Familiar Fears

Now here I am, in a similar situation. Another manager is leaving, and there are no plans to hire someone new. But this time, I’m scared. Years of criticism and rejection have planted seeds of doubt that have fully bloomed. I question myself constantly, even though, ironically, I never doubted myself when I was 25 and knew next to nothing. Back then, I had total confidence in my ability to learn.

Rediscovering My Confidence

It’s wild to think about. Despite having no experience back then, I believed I could do it. I’m still a lifelong learner—I take pride in teaching myself new skills, asking questions, and figuring things out on my own. That’s my strength, and I need to remind myself of that. I’ve got 20 years of experience now. Why am I doubting myself? I can do this. I need to shift my mindset. In this field, there’s rarely one "right" way to do things. It’s all up for interpretation. I just need to trust what I know and tap into the energy and confidence I had when I was younger.

Stepping Up

I got hired back then because my boss saw my potential to learn and adapt. That’s always been my edge. There’s nothing to fear here—except my own self-doubt. And today, I’m more prepared than I was 20 years ago. It’s time to stop running from this opportunity and just go for it.

As I stand at another crossroads, I’m determined to use all the experience, knowledge, and resilience I’ve built. It’s time to turn my fear into fuel and push forward. With my experience and that same enthusiasm I had as a rookie, I’m ready for this challenge.

I’ve got this.

The Perfectionist’s Paradox

Chasing Perfection, Losing Myself

I’m always chasing perfection, trying to make everything just right. But this constant drive usually leads me off course. I end up overthinking, second-guessing, or pushing myself to do more because I can never fully trust that what I’ve done is good enough. It feels like my whole life is this exhausting effort to meet other people’s expectations or shape myself into someone I’m not. And honestly, I hate it. I hate that I can’t just be okay with how things are right now.

Stuck in the Future, Missing the Moment

I’m always looking ahead, so much that I miss what’s right in front of me. Like today—this perfect autumn day with the clear blue sky and warm sun. Everything about it is amazing, but I can’t seem to enjoy it. I know I should be soaking it all in, appreciating it, but something inside me keeps pulling me away, making me miss out on what’s happening right here, right now.

The Trap of Perfectionism

It’s kind of a cruel joke, isn’t it? The more I chase perfection, the more I miss out on what’s actually perfect in its own way. It’s like being stuck in a game I can’t win, trying to fix things that I can’t fix no matter how hard I try. In the end, striving for perfection just means I’m bound to fail before I even start.

Finding Myself Outside the 9-to-5

The Illusion of Finding Myself Through Work

I spent way too much of myself on my career, thinking it would somehow lead me to who I really am. But it didn’t. Looking back, I realize there was nothing truly me in any of it. Work was just a way to make a living—survival mode—not a way to actually live. I poured my heart and soul into something that could never give back, and in the process, I lost touch with who I am. I let society steer me, following the standard path everyone expects. But in doing that, I ignored what I really wanted.

At the Edge of Something New

Now, here I am, standing at the edge of something unknown. I picture myself in a forest, surrounded by towering trees, crickets chirping, birds singing, and creatures rustling around me. It feels like an invitation to step forward, but honestly? I don’t know where to start. I’ve gotten so good at being the person I was “supposed” to be—the one who goes to college, lands a corporate job, and checks all the boxes. But that’s not the road I want to keep following.

Finding My Own Way

I want to wander off the beaten path, explore the unknown, and take in the sounds, smells, and mysteries of nature. I crave that space to figure things out. It’s not going to happen all at once, and I know it won’t change my life overnight, but it’s a start. And right now, a start is exactly what I need.

Breaking Free from the Shadows

The Weight of Emptiness

I am angry. I feel abandoned. I feel alone. I feel like no one cares. I’ve never had such a burning sensation of worthlessness or been so unsure of how I fit into the grand scheme of things. I just don’t know where I’m supposed to go or what I’m supposed to be. Everything feels gray and uncertain.

Trapped in Stagnation

I hate the uncertainty. I hate not knowing and feeling stuck. I guess that’s it – I just feel stuck, unfilled, and lost in my own thoughts. Why do I always feel this way? Why is there never any clarity? Why can’t I just let myself go and ‘just be’ in the moment?

The Battle with Self

There’s always something holding me back, something preventing me from realizing who I really want to be. I know who that person is. I’ve known the whole time, but I’ve never allowed myself to truly understand what that person wants. I’ve always pushed that part of myself away to meet the needs of others and to be who they want me to be.

The Mirror’s Whisper

In the process, I’ve looked at myself in the mirror and whispered, "I hate myself." It’s almost an unconscious thought that rises to the surface, living in the empty space. It’s as if saying it out loud will justify how I’m feeling. Sometimes I don’t even know I’m saying it. It’s that voice on my shoulder, always reminding me that I’m not good enough, not smart enough, not resilient enough, or extroverted enough to influence anything. I feel forgotten, ignored, or pushed aside.

The Turning Point

But I have to remember that it’s me making that happen. I’m letting people get inside my head and influence how I feel about myself. I have to stop this.

Reclaiming Joy and Purpose

I have to find a way out. I have to learn how to be me – the version of me that brings joy, not the version that lives in this seething self-hate. That person I hate doesn’t actually exist.

Becoming Whole Again

It’s time to let go of others’ expectations and finally become the person I’m meant to be. To find clarity, joy, and peace, I have to rediscover the real me.